"Please don't make me do that again!"

Can I just say that I want to put on the breaks, but I am not because I don't want to go back to birth control. Is that lazy?

Pros and Cons of having a baby in certain months... My personal opinion.

Sigh... Well. It is now December and no luck. But I am over the whole bummed thing. Because I am still young and waiting a little bit longer is no big deal. I'm wondering if the man upstairs, knowing me and my life, was basically saying, not yet...

I have mentioned before I like to plan everything and timing means a lot to me. Every month for the last 7 months I look up which month and day it would happen. I have over thought (as Dustin said) the reasons each month would be good or bad.

Let me share some of the thoughts that have gone through my head... I have labeled the months according to how I feel they are seasons here in California. Haha.

SPRING (March-May):

(Pros)I always thought a spring baby would be perfect. It is right before the summer. I wouldn't be prego in the hot summer, I could dress the new baby is cute little summer outfits and the baby would be less likely to get a cold in the first few months. I have also heard (maybe a myth) that spring babies are smarter for some reason...

(Cons) Uh... During the summer I will most likely have leftover baby fat and won't look good in a bathing suit. Oh well.

SUMMER (June-August):

(Pros) I have loved my July birthday month. Everyone is out of school, it is warm, there are more outdoor activities to do for your birthday and it is easier to get together with family.

(Cons) It may suck to be pregnant during the summer and since everyone is out of school in the summer it might be hard to have people at your birthday since they are on family vacations.

FALL (Sept-Nov):

(Pros) You can hide your baby fat easier with warm layers in cold months. For that first year it the baby will be fresh and new to show them off during the holidays with family. Winter baby clothes can be just as cute as summer clothes in a different way.

(Cons) The baby might get sick easier since it is colder and everyone gets sick then. You will be fat and hot during the summer months. The kid will be limited to what they can do for their birthday. September is lame.

WINTER (Dec-Feb):

(Pros) Uh, don't have much for winter.

(Cons) It is cold. More likely for the baby to be sick. December just seems like it would suck to have a birthday. I think it is self explanatory. January is just boring. February... eh.

Overall, I need a warm, not a hot or a cold one, but warm month to have a baby in. A month where their birthday won't suck the rest of their life. And a way to use the box of baby clothes I have pre-bought without thinking that certain months, I can't use those size of clothes. Didn't think that one through... Oops.

Writing the basic thoughts I have had about this helped me decide if I want to put on the breaks for a few months or keep trying. Even though we're really not trying that hard...

Baby Paisley

Our new niece was born on November 28th and her name is Paisley. I love it. I actually considered this name in the beginning because it is so cute. Her she is with her older brother and sister. Such a sweet photo.

On the way to the hospital in an ambulance, she was early and Taylor had her on the side of the road, in front of Subway, only 15 minutes away from the hospital.

Congrats Austin and Taylor!

What the heck?

So. I don't get it.

1. I am super healthy.

2. I am at a healthy weight.

3. I exercise.

4. We do it at the right time.

5. I don't smoke or drink.

6. I am ready.

7. We have tried for 5 months now.

:(

Stupid.

It didn't work. Again. I'm a little peeved to say the least.

Stupid.

Pinkle Toes

So I have been collecting cute baby photos and maternity photos along with tons of other groups, from other photographers for ideas. Since Dustin and I haven't gotten to the point where we could make a ton of money off of just 12 photo shoots like this one photographer I am obsessed with... I collect photo ideas so we can try to mimic them instead of wingin' it at photo shoots. Someday we will no longer have to do that and we will be amazing. But for now, yes I am copying other ideas.

ANYway. I follow a blog of this photographer who specializes in newborn/children/family photography and she is amazing. I love her work. Her business name is Pinkle Toes, so cute right!? The setting she does majority of the time is doing the photo shoot at the families home and she takes pictures of them doing what they normally do, instead of posing in the middle of a daisy field or by a brick wall... Of course she won't deny a client the privilege of doing those thing if they really want to, but I think if you see a lot of her work or understand her techniques then you go to her for those techniques.

If she didn't work out of Texas, I would for sure hire this chick.

Another big reason I love her is because of her creative ability to capture birth in a beautiful way. She I never thought someone could take pictures and make it look... uh, not so scary to say it lightly. I don't think I would ever do a video. But pictures like this would be okay for me.

Kangaroo kicks?

So the other night I had a dream that a really large kangaroo kicked me with both legs in the stomach... Random right?

Dustin thinks it worked this time... But I just think it was our stupid cat jumping down from our headboard onto my stomach while I was sleeping. We have a king size bed and a big tall headboard that our cat likes to jump up to right next to my face at night and then when she jumps down, lands directly on my stomach. I swear, every night. I wake up yelling at her in the dark haha. Then I hear Dustin snickering on his side of the bed. Little turd.

I have heard that when you are prego, you tend to have weird pregnancy dreams. But I think this might just be our evil cat or... the result of some silly youtube videos I was watching late and of course laughing at them...because it was late...and I was really tired haha.

Key words -What IF

Sooo 2 nights ago my dad talked to us about going to Baja Mexico for our family vacation next year. Sweet! Then he told us which month he wanted to go... because it was better for kiteboarding of course lol. Little do my parents know, that we are trying to uh make a baby. So of course he is not putting that into consideration. We tried while in Hawaii so this week was the time to find out if it worked.. And as you saw on my previous post, it didn't. So no worries but when we were talking on the phone we didn't know yet. I would have been having a baby in April and going in the 3rd week of March was a little too close for comfort. I will not be accidentally having a child in Mexico. Sorry people but...hell no. The airplane wouldn't scare me. It's the mexican hospitals or lack of in some parts as well as the crappy water. Yikes.

So I leaned over to Dustin so my dad couldn't hear and whispered "What if I am pregnant??"

He only heard the 'I'm pregnant' part and quickly looked at me with huge eyes and whispered loudly..."You're pregnant!!!" It was kind of an excited but still 'holy crap!' kind of surprise. I started laughing really hard because I loved his reaction. I said, "No, what IF I am?" He just relaxed and smiled sort of embarrassed he heard me wrong.

I would make it work. And somehow make it seem like we needed to have our vacation sooner and make up some amazing excuse... Because it is hard to sneak things passed my dad. Although he didn't catch on to all the surprises we made for his birthday... Hmm.

Well anyway, there isn't a worry anymore. But still, the thought of giving birth in Mexico gives me the shivers...

Dang.

If any of you know Friends, remember the scene where Rachel finds out she is pregnant in a public restroom at a wedding with Phoebe and Monica? Phoebe plays a little trick on her and says the stick says negative and that she wasn't pregnant. She did that to see if Rachel truly wanted to have a baby. Rachel cried and said she actually wanted to be pregnant and Phoebe surprises her and says "just kidding!"

Well this past weekend I bought a bunch of test sticks (holy crap they are freaking expensive!) and I tried one... It came out negative. I found myself bummed like Rachel was. And there was no Phoebe to say just kidding. A couple weeks ago I mentioned that I was going back and forth between what I wanted. Well this time I figured it out based on my reaction. Pouting.

Oh well... No Hawaii baby. We tried. My perfectly executed plan failed. Sigh.

I really hope we are not one of those couples that tries for like 3 years before they are pregnant. I can't imagine how much pouting goes on for those women.

I guess it is for the best right now. We are downright poor right now lol. I can't imagine adding another expense at this point... So many bills and credit owed....

Zen Mama

I LOVE yoga and so to save on gym costs I ordered a bunch of yoga dvds and yes, among them are some prenatal yoga videos. No I am not prego yet but I wanted to see what they are like haha.

I have read a lot on how yoga is great for pregnancy and helps with the labor process and the recovery afterwards. I need all the help I can get because I want to go natural and do water births.

During my search process for the best dvds, I found this Zen Mama blog that was very interesting actually. The writer is a buddhist but sometimes we can learn a lot from buddhism. No I am not converting but some of their ideas make sense. They are so good at being at peace, coming back to wholeness and this is usually done with meditation.

Anyway, What is a Zen Mama?

"She is a devoted mother who has tried to stop worrying, who has let go of the attachment of an outcome and in doing so has become closer to her children."

Like I have said before, I am a planner, very organized, want the best for my future kids and their outcomes. What this woman says makes perfect sense but I still imagine it being very hard for me to let my kids just be free and not worry about the little things. But I plan on trying this. I can be a very calm person so I think I can do okay at this.

Nothing turns a child off more than over-worrying. It says you don't accept them as they are and that you don't trust them. I don't really want my kids to think I don't trust them. I want them to open up to me and want to be around me.

So what this woman talks about is amazing.

"How do you let go? This is difficult! You’re so attached to your worry. It’s like a crazy making friend. You know you have to let go, yet your brain keeps thinking about the worry. Thinking makes it so. So the first thing you need to do is to pretend that you’ve let go. As Wayne Dyer says, “Change your thoughts, change your life.” Eventually your brain will believe your new thoughts, then finally you’ll see changes. Letting go of attachments and outcomes is a freeing thing."

"How do you become closer to your kids? When you’re not worrying that their life is a mess, you stop criticizing and being mad at them. Slowly they feel that you’re trusting them more and they open up and want to be around you. It’s amazing and it does work. By the way, being a Zen Mama doesn’t mean you have no limits. It doesn’t mean you don’t care. It means you care but you’ve stopped being controlling. You’re not as attached to the outcome. It means setting limits with calmness, not anger and trust, not worry."

“If you change the way you look at things,
the things you look at change.”
~Wayne Dyer

So awesome. When the time comes... I will try this. In the meantime, I will just be meditating my body with yoga. You are welcome to come do yoga with me! Haha.

Natural or epidural?

My philosophy is, why be selfish and have an epidural when you can sacrifice one day of your life for each kid you have and suck-it-up to actually "be a part of" the birth of your child. Yes I have not had a child and no I have not experienced all the pain. I am sure it will be hell. But women were MADE to have children. It is just not natural to have a bunch of pain meds. Not only that but your body knows when to push and when you have an epidural you usually don't know when to push and sometimes push when you shouldn't, causing more tearing than you want, and your body not feeling when your baby is ready to go through the ring of fire.

AND on top of that, there is the slight chance of being paralyzed from the epidural needle hitting the wrong spot in your spine. I will not be spending my kids life as an ironing board. No thanks.

I want 3 kids, 4 is my max, so I will suck it up for 3-4 days of my life.

Good mom? Bad mom?

I think I will be a good mom. I already act like a mom to people around me. I find myself calling people "hun" all the time.. Sometimes they are older than me too haha.

I have been a mom for the last 3 years at this student complex we are working at. Telling students to clean their rooms, keep the noise down at night, monitoring what they can and can't do... Students here are dumb too. It seems like majority of BYU students are very very book smart and good at playing instruments but they do not have very good common sense or know how to live on their own at all. It's like mormon families don't teach kids these days how to be independent, be responsible or do anything on their own. So strange to me. Of course if anyone knows my parents, of course I would be taught how to be independent, do things on my own or pay for my own dang car.

But I don't want to even think about having a teenager to deal with yet. Yuck. I will have fun being a mom. Going to zoos with the kids.. and by kids I am including Dustin as part of the "kids." Lol. Taking them to water parks, camping in tents around a campfire, playing at the beach, finger painting...

The nutritious eating part won't be hard. Sorry kids but you are having the same granola life I had. Rice milk here we come.

Discipline. Oh man. No tantrums or yelling at mommy will be tolerated. I will not be one of those moms that lets her kids treat her however they want.

A bit wishy-washy

So I keep going back and forth on babies. I picture a cute little brown haired baby that I can take anywhere, giggling with friends and family, going to a park and watching him/her waddle in the grass, Dustin taking a bajillion pictures of him/her, biking with one of those attached tents you put your toddler in...

But then I think of when they are done being a cute baby and toddler... and they grow up and can talk back to you, asking you for advice you don't even know, or they start pushing away kisses and hugs, or aren't so innocent and lovely...

Worrying gets worse when you don't want your kid to go to someone's house but you want them to like you, you don't like what teachers are teaching or how they teach, or what clothes they want to wear are definitely not what you want them to like. The arguing starts. I know what happens. I was that snobby punk at one point. Sometimes I still am...haha but I don't want to be on the other end. Who knows what our kids will be like... Will we have one that looks like me but has Dustin's sweetheart-smiley charm? Or will they look like Dustin and have an attitude?

And then I don't want one. Haha.

The other thing I think of is how young I am. Yeah mormons do it all the time and do fine but you have like 3 years of them to yourself and then you have to pay for them to go to school? That is really strange to me, to be paying for a child's education in the next 5 years. Weird. And of course I would want them to have the best education. But will we have money for the school I want for our kids? Probably not. Unless we suddenly get rich somehow. Not likely.

I don't know if my parents know this but I am interested in charter schools for my kids. I definitely can't afford a private school. Charter is somewhere in the middle right? I would just rather my kid be going to a school that gets better paid and is not part of a union where teachers are part of a 10 year and don't try as hard because they will have a job no matter what they teach. I don't like that idea. Not only that, but I read in the newspaper last month that charter school kids get more attention if they are struggling, compared to public schools where if a kid is struggling its considered 'their fault' and whoever does best does best.

Now, I am not saying I am stupid. When it comes to overall knowledge I am more street smart than book smart some might say. I don't want my kid struggling in college like I have been because I was careless in public school and teachers really just didn't care. I hated school. I still hate it.

Needless to say, education is a big thing to me and I want my kids to have the best.

Wow. I didn't plan on writing this much today but it's just another one of those boring days where Dustin is sleeping or doing something random on his computer and everyone is either working or in another state so we can't hang out. And I simply have too much time to think.

So I think of what is happening next in our future. I am always planning. Of course I would rather be planning on our next apartment we will hopefully be living in soon. But I have to wait on Dustin for that one.. since he needs to send a resume first, so we can move, to a different apartment, not in a basement... and away from Provo...

*Sigh*

My mom keeps telling me to be patient... It will be okay.. Blah blah blah... Sorry mom. I am not a patient person haha. I am a planner.

Obsession with Giraffes...

Every time I see anything with giraffes I am like, "Ooh giraffes!" Dustin just smiles and rolls his eyes. I am planning on decorating the baby room with giraffes, I have a little stuffed giraffe toy, and a cute photograph I got a long time ago.

Yes I know. Who plans this far ahead? Crazy person....

Somethin' Fishy...

So I have been more interested in eating more fish lately. I am getting tired of chicken and cow burgers. No I did not decide this because I am pregnant or thinking about getting pregnant. But it is a a very good protein to eat instead of other meats during pregnancy. Yes I do my research ahead of time. I am a pro-planner people! I plan ahead, for everything! So no, I am not pregnant, but I am preparing my body for the time that I do.

I have a list of foods that I am trying out that I do not eat really at all so that I can get used to these things. I know for a fact that I will be eating the best foods and doing a lot of yoga when the time comes because well, it will be my first and I don't want this kid coming out a dud. Lol. I am hoping to make one smarter than what I turned out to be haha.

Fish apparently is the best food for developing your child's brain in the first trimester and for growth.

My new favorite is salmon. I mean I liked it before, but every time I go to the grocery store I find myself putting some salmon in my grocery cart. YUM.

Just a few really cute pics I like... :)

Just a scare...phew.

So just to clear up my last post. Obviously it was just a scare and nothing happened from it. Apparently the big change in my diet I had made last fall affected my, um, cycle and I missed one. I was eating 2 fast food burgers a week for a while and then I suddenly stopped eating them altogether. I have had only 3 burgers in the last 5 months. Not bad right?

So anyway yeah I had a scare and I was like, "Crap I am not going to be able to go to Hawaii!" Lol. Jk I would have made it happen...

Were still waiting for that right moment.

Crap.

I like to plan way far in advance. I like things to be planned my way or no other way... But there might be a possibility this time that I can't plan it exactly the way I want. Being forced to do it another way without any possible way of changing it, I think well, this plan might be okay too. Sometimes I am ignorant to other ways or opinions and it has been selfish of me.

I don't know for sure if this is the new plan... But we will find out for sure next week...

It changes everything. And it is a huge wakeup call for something I have never felt. It is weird to think I never even considered somethings when making my own plan for when it was supposed to happen. How is it that when something is forced upon you, you think of things you would assume would come to mind normally.

My first thoughts: "Crap."

My 2nd thoughts: "Okay, okay, I got this."

My 3rd thoughts: "Holy crap!!!"